On being human (and vulnerable)

Often my main source of writing inspiration comes from the daily struggles at work. Not this time though. This is about sharing an experience I had a while ago and some important lessons I was reminded and will be carrying with me from now on.

One thing that our Delivery Manager (DM) Community of Practice (COOP) has being encouraging its participants to do is for delivery managers to facilitate each others retrospectives. This allow us to sit down with our team at the same mental level and fully contribute to the session instead of being torn between two hats, the one of a team member and the one of a facilitator.

With that in mind I’ve asked my colleague Andy to give me a hand. Before that I knew Andy from brief chats down the hall, from participating on the COOP meetings and from a Scrum Masters course we did together sometime ago. Let’s put that way, we were not close.

Beforehand we sat down for a quick chat about my perspectives on the current challenges I felt my team was facing and potential activities he could explore on the day. To my surprise, Andy was actually surprised that “someone with my experience” would have a team with the issues I was describing. That really stayed with me and it took me awhile to understand why.

You see, until that conversation Andy saw me from an outside perspective. He saw me for the years that I have being doing what I do, for the courses I have on my profile, and perhaps from the certainty and assureness on which I would help and contribute to our COOP discussions. Through that brief chat, by opening and exposing myself, my challenges and doubts, I unknowingly allowed him to see me for what I really am. No more than just another human being, trying my best to get things right, sometimes fucking it all up, and trying it again and again and again.

In hindsight I can now say that that was the moment we started to have a real meaningful conversation. And connection. The mask is off. Let’s get to the core.

It can be hard to admin but nobody knows it all. Nothing is for sure and unless you admit that you just do not know, there is very little help others can offer you. You are not ready to receive help and others (sometimes) cannot see you need help.

As owners, managers, and fellow employees, one should not fear the brave ones who dare opening up about their own doubts but the ones who seem totally sure of their ways. The ones who are so rooted in their own sureness that such certainties prevents them from seeing others perspectives.

What’s the point of a mind if it cannot be changed?

The main point of a retrospective is to inspect and adapt. Its main premise is that nothing is perfect and we — ourselves and the team — are on a constant journey of self-improvement. As team members and as human beings.

People have different styles. They explain — and understand — things in different ways. They way I explain something may not ring true to everybody. Hence why it is important to be constantly going over the same topics through different approaches and metaphors, learning alternative ways to go about the same things. Observe others doing what we do and learn from their successes and mistakes.

For a very long time I felt what is known as the impostors syndrome, the feeling of being uncovered, the feeling that I was not good enough and all that crap you can google about. Do you want to know how I got over this nonsense?

Pretty simple. The minute I started to be and act like myself. A high energy, passioned, foul mouthed Brazilian dude who cares for people and their work. That moment I realise I could not be uncovered because I was not pretending to be anything else. I am being me. I play myself.

I am open, I am honest, I am transparent. I say “I don’t know” and them I ask others opinions. I fuck up. I apologise. I fix. Repeat.

Between what others see and what I feel I truly am, lies others interpretations and expectations of me and part of my job should be to demystify this. To help them to see me for what I am. To be brave and courageous and inspire others to follow a similar road.

Back in the day, on my first days working at a restaurant, realising how rubbish I was at pretty much everything, from serving wine, to making coffee, my manager always stressed the fact that what they were looking for, was personality. And I had loads of that. “We can teach a monkey to serve food, but we cannot teach someone to be happy, passionate and engaging.”

The same principle applies to office life. There are no software problems, only people problems. Heard that before? No amount of process, and theory can solve lack of communication. One can have all the knowledge in the world but if they are incapable of creating meaningful relationships with their work colleagues, no amount of theory will cut it. People won’t open to you, they will not listen to you. They will run away from you. Physically and mentality.

When sailing through those harsh dark moments of self doubt and anxiety, my advice to you is simple, be honest. Be real. Be human.

“Practice, not perfection.”